Plays on words

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The Butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.”

14. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

15. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

16. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

17. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

18. A backward poet writes inverse.

19. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

20. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

21. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!